You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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