yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
