Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
