I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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