You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
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