i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
it's like heaven, but drunker
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
