If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
