The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Randomize
