as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
