Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
