Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
