My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
