why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
