It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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