I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
