why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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