When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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