My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Randomize
