Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
