two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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