I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
