once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
this boner is exhausting
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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