they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
