i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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