i need an iv and a liver transplant
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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