It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
