And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Randomize
