Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
