Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
