So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
