That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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