The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
