my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
