Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
