Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
