i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
