smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
