Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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