Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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