By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
