forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Dignity is for republicans.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Someone signed my nipple.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
