Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
