he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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