i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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