Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
