I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
