I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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