Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
