She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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