That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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