Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
