You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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