He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
