You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
