This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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