He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Randomize
