Ketchup is God's man juice
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
