Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
