Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
