i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
