I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
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Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
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You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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