I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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